Today is Baby Ernie‘s birthday, so by some accounts that moves him officially out of babyhood and into toddler-ville. Just like every cliche about parenting says, it has gone by so fast. I’ve been trying to take moments over the last week to really reflect on how much he has changed and grown into being his own unique little person. He’s a fantastic baby and, especially with the world as it is right now, I feel so lucky to be his mom and get to witness each and every day of his life.

There are a few conversations over the last 12 months that stick out to me, and some questions from them that I really enjoyed thinking about and answering. I’ve expanded on them a bit here, to cap off my first year of being a mother.

What’s been the biggest surprise?

I think the biggest surprise has been The Schedule™️ and how much babies really do value routine. I have a younger sister who was born when I was 12, so I do remember a lot of our life being dictated by her naps and sleep schedule, but it’s a different beast when you’re doing the parenting and deciding on how, when, and where things happen. I have definitely had moments of struggle over the last 12 months when it came to The Schedule™️, but I think that’s totally normal. When Ernie was six weeks old we took a trip to Maine to see my family and stay at our beach house for a week. That trip was when we stopped letting Ernie decide on his sleeping and eating patterns and started instituting “awake windows” and easing (forcing?) him onto a schedule. I think about that trip as when we really solidified a routine (we followed eat-play-sleep) and have stuck to it ever since. Conversely, At about three months old, we took another trip to Seattle, and that’s where I learned how to break the routine. I had been quite strict about keeping his awake windows to exact times, and stressed out if they started stretching even a little bit, as well as only having him nap in his crib. We went to Seattle for a friend’s wedding, so had events to attend, but also wanted to do a bit of exploring of the city while we were there. Luckily my husband knows how to talk me off ledges, and picked the right words to let me know, “the world is not going to end if the baby stays awake an extra 20 minutes, if he naps in the carrier, or if a nap gets skipped at some point.” We ended up pushing naps later, letting him sleep in the stroller, and really futzing with his routine. I think about that trip as when we (really, I) learned how to break The Schedule™️ without feeling like the world was going to end.

What’s been the worst part?

Is saying how fast it’s gone is the worst part a copout? I think there were a few moments in the first few weeks that were very trying and resulted in my fair share of tears. But I also think the postpartum period isn’t talked about enough, and that’s pretty normal to feel a bit beaten down at that point. Not sleeping more than two or three hours for Ernie’s first six weeks was a struggle, but I knew there was an end to it, so it never felt frighteningly oppressive (dear husband, please don’t remind me of how I couldn’t stop crying that one night and closed the door on you and Ernie…).

In all honesty the worst part might be living through this Coronavirus pandemic with our baby. It’s certainly not untenable and we are in a very lucky position. The “hard” of it is not that we can’t provide for him or are worried about our future; the “worst” is that I miss exploring the world with him and visiting our family and friends with him and getting to see what he thinks of swings and grocery stores and seeing how he interacts with other people. I’m keeping “hard” and “worst” in quotes here because I am so hyper aware of our place of privilege, and that these “hard” and “worst” things are so, so far from the hardest or worst situations that many families are finding themselves in. That being said, this is my reality right now, and it doesn’t feel good. I’m really looking forward to a greater sense of normalcy returning to our lives and being able to share the world beyond our home with Ernie.

How is he sleeping?

Truly this should have been the first question I listed because it really is what everyone asks, starting on day one. I’m almost nervous to write and publicize this, but Ernie started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and hasn’t stopped since. He’s also a fantastic napper and started on a schedule of four naps a day at 5 weeks old. He’s whittled that down to two naps per day, the first is between 90 minutes and 3 hours and the second is usually 30 to 45 minutes (though if we had a 3-hour nap for the first go around, sometimes he has skipped the second nap… but we always at least try for it 😉). When we came into the pediatrician’s office for our 2-month appointment, she heard about our sleep successes and said to me, “don’t tell anyone that.” I think it’s a combination of having a pretty easy going baby and also that my husband and I put a lot of work in, during the early days. And by “my husband and I,” I mean to say that I have to hand 90% of the credit on this win to him. He spent many a night in those early weeks pacing our house, rocking and bouncing Ernie back to sleep so that I could continue to snooze (and not feed him). He always let nursing be our last resort to get Ernie back to sleep, and I was (and continue to be) so grateful for that gift.

What’s been the best part?

I don’t think there’s even really an answer here. Saying “all of it” doesn’t feel big enough. Ernie’s first smile every morning, the way he giggles when I point to a picture of two cats on his wall, how he crawls as quickly as he can in pursuit of a toy car or our dog, watching him sit patiently in my husband’s lap while he is read to and helps turn the pages; I genuinely can’t pick a favorite moment, month, age, or milestone. It’s all been a joy, and I’m just trying to hold on and keep my eyes as open as possible to watch him grow and learn and explore.

Here’s to what the next year will bring!